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by Maggie Mulvihill
About more than thirteen years ago, during the Mardi Gras season of 1990, New Orleans City Police investigating noise complaints broke into a loft apartment. Upon entering, they discovered a group of men who had recently shaved and lubricated their heads, some stray dogs they had rounded up, and a caché of laxatives and muscle relaxants they had disguised as “doggie treats.”
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| An aficionado carrying on with his Inflatable Dög Hëlmüt with Adjustable Chin Strap, during a moment when dogs were not to be found. |
The police soon realized they had stumbled on to a “late night, after-hours ‘Dög Hëlmüting’ club,” recalled New Orleans Police Lieutenant Armando Caninus. “We arrested the suspects on cruelty to animal charges and they were sentenced to prison, where I’m sure they spread their sick practice.”, says Caninus.
One year later, after nationwide reports of dög hëlmüting had reached epidemic proportions, a broad-based coalition was formed to combat the spread of the practice. Calling themselves DECEASE (Dog Exploitation Causes Endless Anguish for Sexual Extroverts), the Washington-based group claims national membership of 400,000.
DECEASE chairman Nick Plure estimates one of every ten dogs is subjected to dög hëlmüting at one point in its life. “People don’t realize the extent to which dogs are used for this insidious practice,” said Plure. “Every four minutes, some dog in this country is being used as a helmet.”
A highly organized group of as many as two-million people nationwide is responsible for the creation and spread of dög hëlmüting, according to Federal Dog Administration (FDA) spokeswoman Colleen D’Gato.
“These people, mostly men, have started their own kennels to breed their ‘ideal’ dög hëlmüting dog which is, I believe, the Basset hound,” said D’Gato. “What is even worse is young boys are now being recruited and enticed into playing this dangerous game with animals that should be admired from afar, not on top of someone’s head.”
“Dög hëlmüters have their own jargon and lingo now,” says Plure, “such as ‘Whatever pounds your hound,’ ‘Sweet gravies running down the back o’ my neck,’ and ‘Better a dog on your head than a monkey on your back.’ Bumper stickers (see below) with pictograms that read “I Helmet My Dog” are becoming common. The everyday person and the popular press refer to the practice as “dog helmeting,” but those in the know refer to it as “dög hëlmüting”, a nod to its fascist origins
“When the dog, riding a helmeter’s cranium, gets excited, it begins wagging its tail up and down. This action has become known as ‘neck slapping,’ and has evolved into a secret-society club-type of greeting. Dög hëlmüters, upon greeting one another, will slap the backs of each other’s necks with their palms, with knowing looks on their faces,” said Plure.
Many helmeters have corporate careers and can’t look too weird at the office, so they gradually shave increasingly larger areas of the top of their head to look as if they’re going bald. They start lifting weights to have an excuse for increasingly stronger arm and neck muscles.
Plure adds that, inevitably, “toys” have been developed for the expanding dög hëlmüting market. These items, such as the Inflatable Dög Hëlmüt with Adjustable Chin Strap, and diapers for dogs are available in any number of specialty magazines sold in adult bookstores and some pet shops across the country.
“These publications are violating no obscenity laws anywhere,” claims Jared Chien, publisher of Head First magazine. “In fact, I think it is commendable that magazines like mine are offering advice on safe dög hëlmüting, with how-to photographs, shaving diagrams, breed-specific lubricants, and more. I mean, what could be more natural? Man’s best friend, a boy and his dog and all that.”
Helmeters who are not satisfied with their magazines or “canine” aids can visit establishments known as “rap-peep dög hëlmüting booths” that have sprung up in Boston’s Combat Zone and other red light districts across the country, according to FDA agent Perry Cook. “Patrons line up for hours to spend quality time alone with their favorite breed, in the setting of their choice,” says Cook.
“It’s pretty tough to bust these bums on cruelty to animals raps,” said Cook. “I don’t know how, but they got these hounds liking this stuff. Even when we do collar one of ’em, they got some support group with high-powered lawyers who come in and spring ’em.”
Attempts by both the FDA and DECEASE to lobby state and federal legislatures for restrictions on dög hëlmüting have been met with inaction, according to Plure.
“I’m not naming names, but I can think of quite a few baldies in various legislative bodies who quite cheerfully stonewall our attempts to ban dög hëlmüting by imposing stiff fines and prison sentences on those caught engaged in this sort of bestiality,” said Plure.
Famous bald man Telly Savalas was worn out from canine fellatio, Patrick Stewart reported he had a mutt on his mind with a furry behind, Kareem Abdul-Jabar was half-way up a hound, and could not comment.
“Just remember; a dog is a man’s best friend—and nothing more!” says Plure.
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